Coexistence

I tend to live in a really complicated intellectual and emotional space, but the things I am most drawn to often are incredibly simple: the blue of juniper berries against red dirt, dandelion wisps, leaves blowing on the cottonwood tree next to our home. 

I’ve been reading about the fundamental forces of the universe lately. I could have sworn that gravity would be the strongest force. I, personally, am compelled by the obsession to know the answers to so many different mysteries in my own life and am often held in orbit to the unease provoked by the sheer mass and proximity of my desires and fears. Like tides seeking the moon, I am drawn to the source of my disquiet. I feel weighed down by this constant pull, tethered to the source of my unrest despite myself, incapable of freedom or flight as I stay grounded looking for certainty in the midst of so much indecision. 

I’ve been slow to come to the realization that I can be in the midst of grief and still feel an uprising of unexpected joy, blissful moments can coexist in a life that feels serious and heavy, and, perhaps, being lost is the most direct route to finding my way. 

The strongest force in the universe is nuclear interaction (6 thousand trillion trillion trillion times stronger than gravity). Without diving into complications, the simplest way I can express it is that this interaction binds together opposing forces, and by doing so, holds the fundamental particles of matter together (think protons and neutrons in the nucleus of an atom). 

It is in the tension existing between duality that we find the greatest truth. It is the sweetness of my son held against the darkness of my father. It is the warmth of the sun, the leaves blowing gently, and the smell of wet sagebrush after a chaotic storm. It is the simplicity of so many small joys I hold that allows me to accept the complexity of my own story. One day, I may opt not to spin in circles looking for absolutes. If I am lucky, the distance between my need for certainty and my desire to live freely may be great enough to break orbit. Look for me floating calmly through the galaxy as I watch for shooting stars and the occasional dandelion wisp.